In my youth, I looked forward to being the gray-haired lady in a rocking chair dispensing spiritual wisdom, knowledge, and love. She would be at peace with the world, content with her lot in life. I never considered how she became that wise old lady, what pain she may have endured, or why she sits in that little rocking chair instead of busying herself in the garden.
Old age was supposed to supply all the answers, not all the questions. Growing older meant growing wiser.
But experience shows that Judd and I are not there yet. Instead of answers, we have questions.
The first sentence in Judd’s and my discourses usually begin with a question: “Whaaat? I didn’t hear that.” Or sometimes, “You think, whaat?”
And then there is the “who.” Why are names so difficult? “Oh, you know. “what’s-her-name .” I can see her face: I know her history, her likes, her dislikes, all about her, but I cannot pull her name out of any file in my brain. Usually, later, when I am not trying to remember, the name jumps out of the shadows where it has been hiding and laughs at me.
I walk down the hallway with purpose, reach a doorway, and pause. Why did I come this way? Usually, if I retrace my steps and start over, I can recall the goal I was headed toward and finish the task quickly.
But these annoying issues are only the tip of the iceberg of what I am learning about growing older. There are the doctor’s appointments, the hospital visits, the surgeries, the recuperations, the side effects. All of these issues become more and more the focus of the day, reminders that I am not as resilient as I once was and that my world is changing, whether I am ready for it or not.
For me, that is the issue. I am not ready to be “old.”
I have walked through life pretty much oblivious to time. I tell others that I walk through life as I walk through the dark with a flashlight. My oblivion to what is ahead, plus my optimistic nature, has been a blessing in many ways. A song our trio sang years ago became a blueprint for how I approached life: “Each step I take, my Savior walks before me,/and with His loving hand He leads the way.” I have walked in that belief. Looking for Him, trusting His protection, leadership, and guidance as I stepped into new adventures in my life.
Today I’m practicing the song lyrics in a new way. What will be the adventure in this new phase?
I am trying to learn how to be old. The real, not the imaginary old. The old with its medical issues, memory issues, energy issues.
How do I retain the joy, hope, resilience I once had? I’m hoping to be a good student, each step I take.